July 21, 2002
I may have mentioned that I currently work tech support, and I probably mentioned it's a pretty neat company. I've also mentioned that my limited contact with the rest of the staff has been positive as well. However, I'd like to mention something else. Forgive me for ranting, but I need to blow off some steam.
I hereby present:
Accipiter's Rules for calling Technical Support
- Don't be rude. You're calling the technician for help, so be pleasant. Chances are good that they didn't cause your little problem, so barking in their ear isn't going to make things any better. We know you're frustrated; in most cases, us more than you. If you insist on being rude, remember to wake up during your next surgery and tell your doctor to eat shit. See how well that works out.
- Follow directions. If the technician tells you to do something, we're troubleshooting. Questioning everything a technician tries is only going to slow things down. If you need clarification, fine. Ask clearly so we know what you're talking about.
- For the love of all that is holy, do NOT try things on your own while the tech is trying to solve your problem! Too many times I encounter people who will say "Well, let me try this real fast" while I'm asking them to do something else. Usually it's too late by the time I scream out "NO! DON'T!", and you've either forced me to start over, or have made the problem worse. Remember, you called us for help. If you want to figure it out yourself, fine. If you want us to try to fix it, fine. You can't have both!
- Present your problem in a clear and concise manner. When you say "It doesn't work.", you make the tech want to say "That's why it's calling me." For all we know, you could be talking about the space shuttle. Why don't you try telling us what doesn't work, and why you think it doesn't work.
- Don't pretend to know stuff when you have no clue. Congratulations, you've mastered solitaire. That doesn't mean you can set up TCP/IP for DHCP while still specifying a DNS server. If we ask you a question, don't say "Yes" or "No" if you don't know.
- If you use AOL, don't call. It's as simple as that.
- USE COMMON SENSE. If the monitor says "No Input Signal", think about what that might mean. Perhaps the computer has not been turned on? Make sure you've checked the basics before you decide to annoy a poor technician while she or he is eating dinner.
- Don't make up error messages. Closely related to rule #5. Don't say things like "It just said 'Error'.", or "BLT said it could not find DSN server." Spouting crap like this just wastes time. A good tech might be able to figure out what you're referring to, but many times you're just a blathering idiot. Write down long error messages.
- We don't care about your skills. Pointing out the fact that you work for <major corporation> every other sentence, or trying to prove you know something to the technician makes us scream a mental "WHO CARES! SHUT UP!" I once had someone call, tell me she worked for a major software company, try to tell me what's wrong with our network installation, and define terms she was using in her statements. Funny thing is, everything she said was wrong. (And her "terms" were dictionary terms, and not practical usage.) Chances are, the tech knows more about the problem than you do. That's why you called.
- USE COMMON SENSE. This is overlooked far too much, and deserves to be on this list twice.
Exaggerated examples? Nope. They all really happened to me. Some of them occured today. Most of the stuff on the list can be boiled down to rules 7 and 10.
(22:44)
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